Bipolar: Between a Mother and a Son

by Terry Coyier

This world affords an abundance of challenges for every parent. Society’s standards are ever increasing, yet the day remains a mere twenty-four hours. Juggling different schedules, activities and meals, while trying to cultivate a child’s self-esteem can seem overwhelming at times. Does this sound familiar? Now, imagine adding a mood disorder to the equation. Both my son and I share the same diagnosis: bipolar disorder (manic/depression). It makes our world a bit more chaotic, but we still manage to make it through each day. More importantly, we have an extremely close relationship.

At the age of twenty-seven, I experienced a mental breakdown brought on by the death of my grandfather. First I was told I had major depressive disorder. Generally, people with bipolar only seek treatment when they are depressed; therefore, they are often misdiagnosed. For many people, it takes years to get a proper diagnosis. I was lucky. Not six months later, I had a severe manic episode. This changed my diagnosis to bipolar. It made more sense to me because I had always been moody, even as a child. I began taking medication immediately. Once stabilized, I remained so for over three years. Nonetheless, in May of 2002, I ceased working. I have since been placed and remain on Social Security Disability (SSI).

My son was born just after I turned thirty. It was the happiest moment of my life. He was beautiful and healthy. However, as he grew older, I noticed he couldn’t concentrate on simple tasks and he was extremely fidgety most of the time. He also had trouble sleeping. These symptoms are often associated with early onset bipolar disorder. I knew that bipolar could be hereditary, so I took him to see a child psychiatrist.

His behavior initially fit the criteria for attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). We decided to treat it with medication. In the following six months, I realized he was crying several times a day for no apparent reason. I spoke to his doctor, who agreed this wasn’t typical four-year-old behavior. We added an antidepressant to combat the problem. After another six months, I started to notice that his crying had turned to frustration and fits of rage. Even with medication, he began sleeping as little as four or five hours a night; waking me up at 3:00 AM by jumping on my bed. He said completely inappropriate things at any given moment, in any situation. His behavior was unpredictable, and eventually he was suspended from daycare for hitting one of his teachers. Once again, I consulted with the doctor. We decided to add a mood stabilizer while decreasing, and eventually stopping, the ADHD medications.

While my son and I have managed to cope with this disorder, our experience raised a difficult question

– how do I explain to my son he has a complicated condition, which requires him to take pills daily? When he first went to the doctor, I explained to him that his brain didn’t always work the way it was supposed to, and the pills would help. It was a simple enough explanation that he seemed to grasp. When he misbehaved, he would tell me that his brain told him to do it. This would usually happen after he experienced a complete meltdown. His meltdowns consist of: letting out high-pitched screams, crying, trying to run away from me, throwing anything he can get his hands on, hitting anything near him, (including people), and crawling underneath things. Prior to medication, it would take hours for him to calm down; now he can regain control within approximately a half hour.

One day, following one of his meltdowns, I did my best to explain to him that I understood his feelings because I was bipolar as well. He seemed shocked when I told him that Mommy didn’t always have control over her emotions either. Most children think their parents don’t understand what they are going through. I felt it was important for him to know I understood, and I wasn’t perfect either. I clearly make mistakes on a regular basis and think it’s good that he sees them. I always make sure to apologize when my errors involve him. This way he won’t be raised with the misguided notion that when he becomes an adult he will suddenly become perfect.

Our daily challenges mirror those of most families raising a child. He wants to stay up past his bedtime, isn’t happy when he doesn’t get his way, is grumpy when he’s tired, is careless with his toys, loses things, plays too rough sometimes, doesn’t want to eat all of his vegetables, wants to watch too much television, etc. I, like most parents, have learned different ways to persuade and barter with him so that he still has fun, yet follows the rules I have in place. The one thing I am careful about is not punishing him for his meltdowns. These are beyond his control and he suffers enough just working through one.

Similar to other children, his life also has many positive attributes. He plays baseball and swims. He has a charming personality, loves animals, and is a people pleaser. He’s creative, smart, and extremely affectionate.

However, he is different in many ways. He can be happy one minute, running around laughing at nothing in particular and then, without provocation, angry and growling the next minute. He tries to tell adults how to do things. Sometimes, he tells me he is as smart as God. He has a problem with pressured speech, which causes him to stutter frequently. He doesn’t easily adapt to new surroundings. He must be gently coaxed into attempting something he’s never tried before. Once he

tries it, he will usually acclimate to the situation, but often it requires a long period of adjustment. This may not sound different from many other shy children, but more often than not, he becomes frustrated and completely melts down before becoming comfortable. His life can be exceedingly rigorous and, after a meltdown, we always talk about it in depth. I try to help him understand what happened and why he needs to practice his coping skills when he becomes upset or frustrated.

Just as he is different from other children, I am different from other parents. My medication does not keep me as stable as I would like; therefore, I still experience mood swings from time to time. My son must deal with these, which is asking a tremendous amount from a six-year-old. He is very understanding and seems to sense when I am depressed or manic. When I’m down he will play quietly while I rest. When I’m manic and not sleeping well, he tends to wake up in the middle of the night and will come ask me when I’m going to bed. This serves as a gentle reminder, helping me realize that I’m off-balance. We’ve been lucky so far in that we have never been depressed or manic at the same time.

While bipolar disorder manifests differently in each person, it also carries many similarities. I recognize that my son has special needs and he, in turn, realizes I do as well. Somehow we’ve managed to help each other. Our relationship is something that extends beyond the love of a parent and a child – it’s a deep, empathetic understanding shared by two people who suffer from the same illness. Watching my son grow from an infant into a little boy makes me feel magnificent, especially as he overcomes personal obstacles. On the other hand, parenting is frustrating at times. When he is having a meltdown and I cannot reach him, I feel helpless and heartbroken. I realize that every parent must let a child face the trials that life offers, but his exceed the scope of common challenges. As parents know, it is excruciating to watch your child suffer. I simply try my hardest to be the best mom possible to a unique little boy struggling to grow up in today’s demanding environment.

Terry J. Coyier is a 37-year-old college student studying for an Associates of Applied Sciences degree. She is also a freelance writer who writes about bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. Terry was diagnosed with bipolar ten years ago. She lives with her son in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex. Terry is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/ which is a site for Writers and her personal portfolio can be viewed here.

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