by Simon Clarke
Why don”t we achieve what we want?
Simple question isn”t it? If only the answer was as simple. If we knew the answer we”d all be achieving amazing things. Maybe then, if everyone was achieving great things, the great things we achieved wouldn”t seem so great anymore!
Maybe even in knowing the answer, you still wouldn”t achieve what you want? Let”s find out shall we?
The Dualism of Pleasure and Pain
There are many reasons postulated as to why we don”t achieve what we want. Most likely all of them are somewhat credible explanations. One theory seems particularly valid. It”s a principal that was initially postulated by the creators of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP).
The theory essentially states that there are two groups of people, differentiated by the distinctly different ways they”re motivated. One group is motivated by moving away from what they don”t want. Their tendency is to minimise what they perceive painful or unpleasant; things they”re afraid of, or want to avoid. This group moves away from pain.
The other group is motivated by moving toward what they want. They give very little cognition to things that are unpleasant, and instead focus almost exclusively, consciously and subconsciously, on what they want, or what they perceive pleasurable and desirable. This group moves toward pleasure.
The things is, by far the vast majority of people are motivated by the “moving away from” paradigm. And that explains why the percentage of super achievers is the significant minority.
Think about your own circumstances for a moment. If I asked you what you want regarding the big three – wealth, health and relationships – you would most likely state that: you want to very wealthy; you want to be fit and healthy; and you want to be extremely happy and fulfilled in your relationships. On a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the most preferred state, you would probably want 4″s or 5″s in each facet.
A Comfortable Rate
Yet how do you rate? Most people rate 1.5 to 2.5. So, if you want a 4, and you only rate 2.5, why don”t you do something about it?
The reason for most people is that 2.5 is much better than 1. 2.5 is reasonably comfortable. 1 is where the pain is. 1 is where you have to battle each week to pay your bills. 1 is where you can”t afford a holiday. 1 is where you are overweight and at risk of serious health problems. 1 is where you are constantly fighting with your partner and no longer share intimacy.
But at 2.5 you”ve moved away from that. You”ve moved away from pain to a compromised level of wellbeing. Your basic needs are fulfilled. You can afford a reasonable house in a respectable suburb. You have some problems in your relationship, “but that”s normal.” You”re not obese, but you are moderately happy with your appearance and health.
The “moving away from” mentality is one of compromise. You cognitively want more from your life, but you compromise on your desires because you attain a level of wellbeing that is not uncomfortable.
Life in Scales
Think of the 1 to 5 scale of achievement we used above as stops along a marathon. Picture in your mind thousands of people standing at the starting line waiting for the starter”s gun. The gun goes off and everyone starts progressing forward. The effort to get from 1 to 1.5 can be represented in distance by a kilometer. It”s not too much effort and the effort feels well spent. After all, point 1 is a very painful and unpleasant place. Almost everyone in the group makes it to stop 1.5.
The distance from stop 1.5 to 2 is 2 kilometres. It”s double the distance of stop 1 to 1.5. Whilst 1.5 feels ok, it”s still a little uncomfortable – you”d like to earn more to get a better house, lose some weight and stop smoking, and have fewer disagreements with your family and friends. The effort of another 2 kilometres seems worthwhile so you keep progressing. Although you notice that quite a few others have remained at the 1.5 kilometer mark.
You reach stop 2. You”ve now progressed 3 kilometres. It”s certainly more comfortable than stop 1.5. It”s not as good as you”d like, but you know stop 2.5 is 4 kilometres away, double the last effort. After deliberating for quite some time you decide to give it a go.
The 4 kilometres from stop 2 to stop 2.5 was more difficult than you anticipated. There were lots of steep hills, you got a stitch and blisters on your feet. But whilst it was a lot of effort, stop 2.5 is quite comfortable. You”re living in a nice house in a nice suburb. You have good friends and a good family life.
You often visualise what it”d be like at stop 3. In fact, when asked, you say you”d like the benefits of stop 3. But you also know how much effort it took to travel the 4 kilometres from stop 2 to 2.5. And you know that stop 3 is 8 kilometres away. Your conflicting thoughts (cognitive dissonance) – wanting the benefits of stop 3; yet knowing the significant effort required to get there – result in internal turmoil. You often have thoughts of stop 3 benefits, but the effort required to bridge the gap is just too much considering that you are not uncomfortable where you are.
But your mind has a tricky way of trying to cure your internal conflicts. It creates belief systems that endorse one aspect of your cognitive dissonance – usually the one that represents the path of least resistance and effort.
Belief Systems
Your subconscious, thinking (or not thinking as the case may be!) is doing you a favour, validating your non-willingness to pursue your greater objective (in this case stop 3), by creating belief systems about your self-concept, abilities, environment, opportunities, as to why you couldn”t and/or shouldn”t achieve your objective. So rather than thinking, “Ok, I know I”d like the benefits of stop 3, but I”m comfortable enough where I am and am simply too lazy to expend the extra effort.” You think “Those people at stop 3 have got it lucky. They had all the opportunities whilst I had none. If only I had some luck come my way, I could also be at stop 3.”
You validate to yourself how far you”ve progressed (moved away from pain), rather than focussing on your initial, and ideal, objective (moving toward pleasure).
What”s important to remember is that mostpeople start from the same place. The vast majority of wealthy people do not have university degrees. The vast majority of healthy and fit people work at it every day through proper eating and exercise. And fulfilling relationships with family and friends are not factors of fortune, they are worked on daily.
We rarely, if ever, give thought to how we formulated our beliefs. They just “are.” Yet they are extremely powerful predicators to what we achieve in life.
Your belief systems are strong neurological triggers that create resistance to you being able to attain your cognitively desired objectives. These “perceived” limitations become very real limitations.
For instance, if you have the belief that the world colludes against you, and that you are unlucky, you will have a neurological trigger that actually forces you at a deep subconscious level to look for negatives and bad luck. You will perceive external occurrences as “bad luck.” The same external occurrence, viewed by someone with a “good fortune” belief system, would be perceived entirely differently. As a result, each person would act very differently to exactly the same event – one in a negative sense, and one in a constructive, positive sense.
There”s an old Zen fable that goes something like this:
There was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbours came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “May be,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbours exclaimed. “May be,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbours again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “May be,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbours congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “May be,” said the farmer.
This story demonstrates the importance of how you frame your beliefs.
If you want to change something in your life, including achieving your goals, you must first and fore mostly work on changing your belief systems that frame your ability and worthiness of having or attaining your desired change. Only by changing your belief system will you be able to bring about effective and enduring change.
Have you been moving from pain, or toward pleasure?
%A9 Life Coaching Institute (Aust). If you wish to republish or reproduce this article, please include this information in the end of the article. For more information about the Institute – please visit www.lcia.com.au/lz
Simon Clarke has over 15 years of experience as a writer, entrepreneur and business specialist. He is also the founder and Director of the Life Coaching Institute and the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors: both industry leading training providers in Australia and overseas.
