1. Don’t start in the bedroom. Start by speaking her love language.  If you don’t know what that is, well, it could be a reason there is trouble in the bedroom.  She might like you doing work for her.  She might like non-sexual touch.  She might like to spend time together doing things.  There are plenty of ways you can speak love into her heart without using words.  Start doing it and you will probably find out she is much more open to you in every area.
  2. Your most important sex organs are your eyeballs. Too often we men do everything but sit down each day for a few minutes and look her in the eye and listen to what she is saying, hear what is on her heart, and understand what is important to her.  When we do that, that gaze clears out a lot of irritation and resentment and seems to hit the re-boot key on the relationship.  Do it on a consistent basis and you should see her more willing to listen to you and hear your needs and desires and want to try to meet them.
  3. In the Seven Minute Marriage Solution, I stress how important it is that you go back to ways of having fun that you may have left behind. When the relationship was fresh you had fun together.  You went on dates.  Perhaps like my wife and me, you danced.  We dance in a huge ballroom full of people full of life and action and fun.  We also dance in malls if the mall music is good.  I think a huge key to her showing you a good time in bed is you showing her a good time with date nights and making fun and romance a priority.
  4. If you use pornography it is not helping the situation. In fact, it is hurting it.  Pornography is about you performing a sex act on yourself.  I’m not saying that you are weird or perverted if you do, but when you do, sex is just an act all about your equipment on the front of your body so you can get relief or a release.  I’ve heard it said that it’s like giving yourself a big hug.  That may be why it is so difficult to make love to your wife vs. just wanting to have an act of sex with her for your own pleasure.  Also, men that are compulsively using pornography find it difficult to be satisfied with a real live human being.  It is hard for you to fuse love and sex and only be satisfied with a pornographic image that won’t demand anything of you or judge your performance.  Thank about pleasing her instead of pleasing yourself.
  5. “Ladies First” is a tradition that certainly can help you in the bedroom. After you have an orgasm you are ready to totally relax and perhaps fall asleep.  She does not have that point of no return like we men do and she does not have the instant desire for sleep.  And very few woman climax during intercourse.  So one of the changes that makes a huge difference is when a man’s priority is to allow her to experience pleasure and orgasm before he does.  Try it and see if after she has climaxed her sex organs are not much more ready to receive you making it that much more comfortable and pleasurable.  And over time you become a lot more fulfilled watching her respond to your caring ways than when you just take care of yourself and move on.
  6. Be sure you clean yourself up before getting in bed with her. That means a shower and a shave.  You want your face to be gentle on her skin.  You also want to explore where all of her erogenous zones are, and she does have quite a few you may have never taken the time to discover.  They may be in places like her elbow, insider her arm or calf, the back of her neck, or the tip of pelvis.  Gently explore her body to find what brings her pleasure and produces the response both of you want for her.  And don’t forget a little cologne is a nice touch, unless it is left over from your high school days.
  7. You may or may not be able to express yourself very well when you are telling her you love her and what you love about her. But any kind of written communication to a woman tends to be very meaningful and valued for a long time.  Write her a sincere love letter that expresses your love, tells her what strengths you see in her, what you love to watch her do, and how grateful you are to be with her.  It may feel a bit unnatural at first, so be sure you do it once a week.  After 52 of those letters you will feel very comfortable writing to her and she will feel connected to your heart in a much deeper way.
  8. My friend, Milan Yerkovich, of How We Love fame, says the best thing you can do is get a Ph.D. in the wounds of your wife. She may have been deeply hurt as a child and you may have never known about it.  You may do some things to trigger her hurt and pain that you are not aware of.  Any safe and gentle conversation that invites her to share all of who she is and the depths of the feelings in her heart will draw her to you.  Don’t get distracted or chime in and start talking about yourself.  Just open her up and listen to all she has to say.
  9. Kissing is the place where physical intimacy usually begins. You might want to ask her what she thinks of the way you kiss her.  You might ask her if there is anything you could do to make it more wonderful.  Mints, gum and mouthwash can help.  Romantic kissing is an art and a science.  If you’re pecking or smooching, talk to her about it.  Find out what she likes.  Do whatever you can that leads both of you to kisses that last for more than 2 minutes and don’t just involve pursed lips just barely scratching the surface.
  10. It might be a good idea to make making love about any and everything other than intercourse. Show her that you are self-controlled enough that you can experience a mutually satisfying sexual experience without having to climax or even have intercourse.  For a while, make it all about pleasuring her and making her feel good.  It is amazing how often this approach leads to a woman wanting to have sexual intercourse and greater pleasure from it.

If you want something better than the marriage you have and are ready to experience an astounding richness in your relationship, New Life Ministries has designed a life-changing weekend to give you the tools to develop a healthy, healing intimacy. Whether your marriage is in crisis, or you simply need to fine-tune some things, this weekend will help you develop the marriage you’ve always wanted. You’ll experience a new level of connection you’ve always hoped for.

Call (800) NEW-LIFE (639-5433) or Click here to find out more.

Interested in further reading?  Check out 7 Minute Marriage Solution by Steve Arterburn

Click here for How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich



When the relationship was fresh you had fun together.  You went on dates.

The challenge every man faces—the battle every man can win! Get help with Every  Man’s Battle.

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You will, by God’s grace, be transformed.
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Steve Arterburn

Steve Arterburn is a nationally and internationally known speaker and has been featured in national media outlets such as Oprah, Good Morning America, CNN Live, The New York Times, ABC World News Tonight, GQ and Rolling Stone.Steve is a best-selling author of books such as Every Man’s Battle, Healing Is A Choice, and The 7-Minute Marriage Solution and recently co-authored Take Your Life Back with Dr. David Stoop, and The Mediterranean Love Plan, with wife Misty. Along with Dr. Dave Stoop, Steve edited and produced the #1 selling Life Recovery Bible. With over 8 million books in print he has been writing about God’s transformational truth since 1984, and has won three Gold Medallions for writing excellence.
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