After a miscarriage a friend of Lori Garcia’s did not need anyone to take care of her, she needed to take care of herself. A particular friend of hers had just suffered a miscarriage and she stopped by to console her and hold her hand. Lori wanted to tell her friend about her own miscarriages and share the thoughts of what she knew helped in the healing process but she did not. She said that the visit was not about her but it was rather about her partner and her loss in particular. She wanted so much to give her feelings of shelter, protection, and really care for her because at least if she did that then she would feel like she was doing something in particular to help her friend.
- 1A friend of mine just suffered a miscarriage. I stopped by with milk and cookies for the sole purpose of holding her hand. I told her I was sorry. I cried alongside her. And then I sat there, clenching her hand in silence for nearly an hour. Deep in the quiet, my heart wanted to say so many things. I wanted to tell her about my miscarriages, share what helped in my healing, and console her with the blessing of my rainbow baby, but I didn’t.
- 2I knew visitors had been making the rounds, bringing food and flowers, sending sympathy cards and texts. I knew well-meaning folks were trying to negotiate her out of the sadness that made them uncomfortable. I knew her husband as a “fixer,” was at a complete loss. I knew her son didn’t quite know how to handle mommy’s heartache. I knew these things for having lived these things. But of all the gifts of care and support she was receiving, I knew she really only wanted one thing: to feel safe.
- 3She wanted to feel safe in her own body again. To know what and when it all went wrong. She wanted to feel safe to process her pain in her own time. She wanted to feel safe to curse the universe, question everything, and retreat from her life and her loss, however she was able.
It’s hard to know what do or say after pregnancy loss.