Super-Charged Communication

Super-Charged Communication

In the early stages of a couple’s healing the events of your behavior may be in the past, historically, but they are not in the past emotionally for anyone.   Yes, you too.  Healing in the relationship will come through periods of communication, super-charged with the emotional fruit cocktail of caution, apprehensions, fear, hurt, grief, and despair.  DON’T judge or say “that was is in the past, that’s not me anymore, you need to forgive me to move on…”  It is time to SHOW her it is in the past by the new manners of behavior and communication.

 

This is not about using the right tool to fix the situation, but the right keys to unlock the defenses and blocks to your wife’s heart, mind and soul. These 5 keys, that many miss, are the opportunities for restoration and recovery in the relationship.   She, too, has a story to tell and an experience to process.  Since the relationship is changed forever, you cannot/must not go back to the old manners in communication with your wife (or behaviors for that matter).  It is important to respond to her than reacting.  Reactive communication is a super-charged signal of defensiveness.  It was in that old nature of reactive communication that a destructive deception and manipulation was nourished all too well. So, any sign of that reactive communication is going to trigger suspicion in your wife and stall healing.

 

The first key in your communication model should start with an internal intention of showing love and grace in speaking and listening.

The next steps to create a listening experience is the use of three active keys. Before they are detailed, let it be known that problem solving, Mr. Fix-it, is not going to be discussed in this article.  Even though research has shown that when the primary components of listening are worked through first, then problem solving and resolution have a higher probability for success, such discussion is for another article.

Once you set your heart’s intention with the first key, the next keys are a responding communication behavior that revolve around these 3 assertive keys:

  • Attending
  • Acknowledging
  • Inviting

Attending has three sub factors: (1) look at the person talking to you; (2) listen to what exactly they are saying (not what your mind is thinking and feeling); and (3) track/follow her line of thoughts and feelings in what is said.  Pause your opinions and judgments.  Manage your attention by not physically reacting. Like rolling your eyes, deep sighs.  Put your thoughts and opinions in timeout and sit with the discussion of information being shared.

Acknowledging is about reflecting back in brief statements the thoughts and feelings being heard and understood.  This does not mean a lengthy sentence. Think of acknowledging your spouse with simple words as she shares, such as ‘yes, that i